What Do I Do With My Hands?

Last weekend my husband and I spent our first weekend away from our son. We went to an out of town wedding! It was, as a SAHM, my first holiday! No sleeping with the hum of the monitor, no early morning wake up, changing diapers, managing mealtimes, scheduling naps, entertaining, and all the other jobs that happen in a regular 24 hour period.

It was a blessing, but also bizarre. At times I felt so useless, I did not know what to do with my hands. I felt a certain emptiness, like a carpenter who has his hammer and nails taken away. What do I do with my hands? I tried not to dwell on this empty feeling and instead keep my distracted with all the things I could do. For example, I took a completely unnecessary long shower that still fills me with guilt when I think about how fortunate I am to have access to clean, warm water and in retrospect, I feel like I abused that privilege. But it was a luxury for me and I took advantage of the fact that I didn't have to race in/out of the shower so I've made my peace with it. Almost. My husband and I lounged in bed together in the morning for almost an hour because we could. I took a walk outside with a girlfriend (also a SAHM) which meant I could be ready in less than five minutes and leave the hotel with only a purse.

After university ended our close group of friends would get together often for cottage weekends, weddings, or birthday celebrations. Those weekends were full of laughter, drinks, reminiscing, dancing and jokes almost like we were channeling our carefree, responsibility-free university days. Unfortunately, those weekends inevitably came to an end, too soon, and there was a grey cloud of depression that would hang over us on the Sunday drive home. No one wanted to return to their "real" life. We were all bummed out at the beginning of the work week until the mood could be shaken off by looking forward to the next event where we'd all see each other and have a chance to let loose.

Our weekend away at the wedding was another one of those times where our group of friends reunited to celebrate the marriage of one of our own. We laughed, told old stories, partied, and danced til the wee hours of the morning. And as the sun crept into our hotel on Sunday morning, I woke up with a start realizing that I'd be going home today to my son's smiling face. I have never looked forward to going home from a weekend like this before, until I became a mother. The excitement and anticipation of enjoying a weekend away with my husband (and we certainly enjoyed ourselves, and the time alone together) could not even compare to the feeling I had in my chest knowing I'd be seeing my son for the first time in almost 48 hours. I woke up tired, a bit hungover, and rundown from two great nights but I felt amazing.

We pulled into our driveway after a two hour drive and I practically ran the front door off its hinges. I will never forget the look on our son's face when he realized who had walked in the door. I held him in my arms for as long as he'd let me and my hands and my heart finally felt full again.

I think the weekends away with my husband will continue to happen every so often, it was a wonderful reconnection for us and a much needed time away from the responsibilities of being a SAHM. It gave my hands and my mind a break from the repetition and schedule of our daily live. But I now know that I will finally be able to feel happiness at the end of weekend away because I cannot wait to return to my "real" life. My "real" life is better than any party I could ever go to.

Recognition

In a beautiful moment last week, my husband and I snuck out for a few hours to attend a friend's birthday party while my mum was on baby duty. He was already asleep for the night, so we were able to leave without feeling too guilty.

While at the party, a girl I know who has two babies of her own, asked me whether or not I was going back to work. She and her husband both work and her baby girls are in daycare full-time five days a week. I informed her I'm trying my hand at the SAHM thing and finally received some recognition for my choice. After shaking her head, she said something along the lines of "Good for you, there's no way I could do it. I couldn't wait to get back to work. You need so much patience to stay at home." (At this point I was desperately hoping some of my baby-less girlfriends were eavesdropping on this conversation). I know this is a controversial debate, staying at home versus going back to work, but in that moment I was so happy to hear her praise me for staying at home with my little man. I guess it just takes a mother who's been there, to know what this decision means and recognize what you're sacrificing when you stay at home (sanity, career, independence, financial security, mostly sanity some days).

I'd really like to keep going on this subject but my little man has decided a 45 minute nap is enough for him and I just can't stand listening to him cry anymore. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Today I feel like I'm sacrificing some of my sanity...wish me luck.