Last weekend my husband and I spent our first weekend away from our son. We went to an out of town wedding! It was, as a SAHM, my first holiday! No sleeping with the hum of the monitor, no early morning wake up, changing diapers, managing mealtimes, scheduling naps, entertaining, and all the other jobs that happen in a regular 24 hour period.
It was a blessing, but also bizarre. At times I felt so useless, I did not know what to do with my hands. I felt a certain emptiness, like a carpenter who has his hammer and nails taken away. What do I do with my hands? I tried not to dwell on this empty feeling and instead keep my distracted with all the things I could do. For example, I took a completely unnecessary long shower that still fills me with guilt when I think about how fortunate I am to have access to clean, warm water and in retrospect, I feel like I abused that privilege. But it was a luxury for me and I took advantage of the fact that I didn't have to race in/out of the shower so I've made my peace with it. Almost. My husband and I lounged in bed together in the morning for almost an hour because we could. I took a walk outside with a girlfriend (also a SAHM) which meant I could be ready in less than five minutes and leave the hotel with only a purse.
After university ended our close group of friends would get together often for cottage weekends, weddings, or birthday celebrations. Those weekends were full of laughter, drinks, reminiscing, dancing and jokes almost like we were channeling our carefree, responsibility-free university days. Unfortunately, those weekends inevitably came to an end, too soon, and there was a grey cloud of depression that would hang over us on the Sunday drive home. No one wanted to return to their "real" life. We were all bummed out at the beginning of the work week until the mood could be shaken off by looking forward to the next event where we'd all see each other and have a chance to let loose.
Our weekend away at the wedding was another one of those times where our group of friends reunited to celebrate the marriage of one of our own. We laughed, told old stories, partied, and danced til the wee hours of the morning. And as the sun crept into our hotel on Sunday morning, I woke up with a start realizing that I'd be going home today to my son's smiling face. I have never looked forward to going home from a weekend like this before, until I became a mother. The excitement and anticipation of enjoying a weekend away with my husband (and we certainly enjoyed ourselves, and the time alone together) could not even compare to the feeling I had in my chest knowing I'd be seeing my son for the first time in almost 48 hours. I woke up tired, a bit hungover, and rundown from two great nights but I felt amazing.
We pulled into our driveway after a two hour drive and I practically ran the front door off its hinges. I will never forget the look on our son's face when he realized who had walked in the door. I held him in my arms for as long as he'd let me and my hands and my heart finally felt full again.
I think the weekends away with my husband will continue to happen every so often, it was a wonderful reconnection for us and a much needed time away from the responsibilities of being a SAHM. It gave my hands and my mind a break from the repetition and schedule of our daily live. But I now know that I will finally be able to feel happiness at the end of weekend away because I cannot wait to return to my "real" life. My "real" life is better than any party I could ever go to.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Recognition
In a beautiful moment last week, my husband and I snuck out for a few hours to attend a friend's birthday party while my mum was on baby duty. He was already asleep for the night, so we were able to leave without feeling too guilty.
While at the party, a girl I know who has two babies of her own, asked me whether or not I was going back to work. She and her husband both work and her baby girls are in daycare full-time five days a week. I informed her I'm trying my hand at the SAHM thing and finally received some recognition for my choice. After shaking her head, she said something along the lines of "Good for you, there's no way I could do it. I couldn't wait to get back to work. You need so much patience to stay at home." (At this point I was desperately hoping some of my baby-less girlfriends were eavesdropping on this conversation). I know this is a controversial debate, staying at home versus going back to work, but in that moment I was so happy to hear her praise me for staying at home with my little man. I guess it just takes a mother who's been there, to know what this decision means and recognize what you're sacrificing when you stay at home (sanity, career, independence, financial security, mostly sanity some days).
I'd really like to keep going on this subject but my little man has decided a 45 minute nap is enough for him and I just can't stand listening to him cry anymore. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Today I feel like I'm sacrificing some of my sanity...wish me luck.
While at the party, a girl I know who has two babies of her own, asked me whether or not I was going back to work. She and her husband both work and her baby girls are in daycare full-time five days a week. I informed her I'm trying my hand at the SAHM thing and finally received some recognition for my choice. After shaking her head, she said something along the lines of "Good for you, there's no way I could do it. I couldn't wait to get back to work. You need so much patience to stay at home." (At this point I was desperately hoping some of my baby-less girlfriends were eavesdropping on this conversation). I know this is a controversial debate, staying at home versus going back to work, but in that moment I was so happy to hear her praise me for staying at home with my little man. I guess it just takes a mother who's been there, to know what this decision means and recognize what you're sacrificing when you stay at home (sanity, career, independence, financial security, mostly sanity some days).
I'd really like to keep going on this subject but my little man has decided a 45 minute nap is enough for him and I just can't stand listening to him cry anymore. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Today I feel like I'm sacrificing some of my sanity...wish me luck.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
What Am I Worth?
I recently became interested in how exactly a Stay At Home Mom is valued by society...this was sparked because of a comment made to me about what it is I do all day as a SAHM. Let me explain.
I was chatting away with a friend on the phone about how excited I was to get together for the upcoming weekend. And in my motherly haze I thought it was Tuesday, when in fact, it was Wednesday and mentioned this out loud. My single, baby-less friend laughed and said something along the lines of, "Of course you don't know what day it is, all you do is play everyday."
Right. Play. All day, everyday. That's what we do.
When the comment was made I didn't think it bothered me, but in fact it lingered on in my subconscious kind of floating in and out of focus. All I do is play? Seriously? So I turned to my trusted old friend (or evil arch nemesis depending on what I'm researching), Google, to read up a bit more about SAHM's and how they are perceived by society. Because I'm new to the game and I still have conflicted feelings everyday about this choice, I needed to see what else was out there, what other opinions existed. After fiddling with my search keywords I came across loads of information on being a SAHM. My favourite, which I shared with my sister, was how much SAHM's would be paid if they got paid. The title of the article immediately caught my eye "Why Stay-At-Home-Moms Should Earn A $115,000 Salary."
I've highlighted a couple parts of the article that gave me an immense feeling of gratification in being recognized, not only for what I am doing at home but for what all SAHM's are doing day in and day out in the trenches.
"In the tenth annual Mom Salary Survey, researchers examined 6,616 mothers and attempted to value their work by breaking down motherly duties into 10 separate titles: Day Care Center Teacher, CEO, Psychologist, Cook, Housekeeper, Laundry Machine Operator, Computer Operator, Facilities Manager, Janitor and Van Driver."
- I have yet to experience the Psychologist job titles as my son can pretty sum up his feelings in clapping, smiling, sleeping, frowning, crying, or small tantrums, but I'm positive once school beings and socialization begins this will become one of the dominant roles I will play.
"According to the survey, the typical stay-at-home mom works almost 97 hours a week, spending 13.2 hours as a day-care teacher; 3.9 hours as household CEO; 7.6 hours as a psychologist; 14.1 hours as a chef; 15.4 as a housekeeper; 6.6 hours doing laundry; 9.5 hours as a PC-or-Mac operator; 10.7 hours as a facilities manager; 7.8 hours as a janitor and 7.8 hours driving the family Chevy."
- Again I am limited in the Psychologist role but you could definitely up my hours as a janitor and as a driver. Just replace Chevy with Hyundai Santa Fe.
But all I do is play all day long right? That's why I don't know what day it is, because I'm too busy playing. I know that this friend of mine who made this innocent comment didn't mean it as I eventually took it, but I also think that she partly believes what she said. I also think she isn't the only person out there who feels like all SAHM's do is play. Like somehow we won the job-lottery because we lucked out, had children and made the easy and obvious choice of staying home with them instead of going to work. From my experience so far in my short foray in this job, this opinion is generally held by those without children, who have no clue whatsoever about the reality of parenting. And I can forgive that. But it still hurts my feelings as much as I try not to let what others think bother me. I don't what my friends to think I've turned into a useless lump of a woman who no longer contributes to society because I am fortunate enough to be at home, raising my child instead of slugging away at a 9-5. I want my friends and those out there who believe all SAHM's do is play to recognize how hard it is to do what we do. All the jobs we manage to complete throughout any given day, multi-tasking and balancing life, scheduling and planning, organizing and caring. I want my friends and society to recognize how it is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job, with no break. Even if you are away from your children on a date, for a weekend, or even a longer vacation, they are constantly on your mind. "Are they safe? Are they warm? Are they happy? Are they being well-fed? Are they pooping? Are they sleeping?". You do not walk away from this job when bed-time hits, you do not shut off your mom button after 5pm, you do not get to take designated 'breaks' from being a mom, and if you're fortunate enough, you're able to squeeze in a teeny bit of time to yourself once someone else can take over your duties because goodness knows nap-time is actually code word for 'quick, accomplish as much as you can without making too much noise'. And even during those few blissful moments of shopping in a store without little hands reaching out grabbing items of the shelves or racks, I'm still contemplating why my son threw up his entire breakfast and bottle earlier in the morning. "Was it teething? Did I over-feed him? Did oranges not agree with his stomach? I wonder if he'll throw up again today? If he does, should I take him to the doctor? Oh, that's a cute outfit maybe I'll pick that up for him!"
Your children and their well-being literally consumes almost all your thoughts...which is why I have no idea what day it is sometimes. But the best parts of my day, even though I may not know if it's Tuesday or a Wednesday, are the moments where I put my mind to rest, set the chores aside for later, and take some time to actually play with my son. I watch his smile stretch across his face as he realizes that Mommy is going to join in while he puts blocks in a bucket, dumps them out, and starts putting them back in again. And that's when I know that I'm worth more than $115,000 a year to my son.
Here is the link should you be interested in a good read: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/
I was chatting away with a friend on the phone about how excited I was to get together for the upcoming weekend. And in my motherly haze I thought it was Tuesday, when in fact, it was Wednesday and mentioned this out loud. My single, baby-less friend laughed and said something along the lines of, "Of course you don't know what day it is, all you do is play everyday."
Right. Play. All day, everyday. That's what we do.
When the comment was made I didn't think it bothered me, but in fact it lingered on in my subconscious kind of floating in and out of focus. All I do is play? Seriously? So I turned to my trusted old friend (or evil arch nemesis depending on what I'm researching), Google, to read up a bit more about SAHM's and how they are perceived by society. Because I'm new to the game and I still have conflicted feelings everyday about this choice, I needed to see what else was out there, what other opinions existed. After fiddling with my search keywords I came across loads of information on being a SAHM. My favourite, which I shared with my sister, was how much SAHM's would be paid if they got paid. The title of the article immediately caught my eye "Why Stay-At-Home-Moms Should Earn A $115,000 Salary."
I've highlighted a couple parts of the article that gave me an immense feeling of gratification in being recognized, not only for what I am doing at home but for what all SAHM's are doing day in and day out in the trenches.
"In the tenth annual Mom Salary Survey, researchers examined 6,616 mothers and attempted to value their work by breaking down motherly duties into 10 separate titles: Day Care Center Teacher, CEO, Psychologist, Cook, Housekeeper, Laundry Machine Operator, Computer Operator, Facilities Manager, Janitor and Van Driver."
- I have yet to experience the Psychologist job titles as my son can pretty sum up his feelings in clapping, smiling, sleeping, frowning, crying, or small tantrums, but I'm positive once school beings and socialization begins this will become one of the dominant roles I will play.
"According to the survey, the typical stay-at-home mom works almost 97 hours a week, spending 13.2 hours as a day-care teacher; 3.9 hours as household CEO; 7.6 hours as a psychologist; 14.1 hours as a chef; 15.4 as a housekeeper; 6.6 hours doing laundry; 9.5 hours as a PC-or-Mac operator; 10.7 hours as a facilities manager; 7.8 hours as a janitor and 7.8 hours driving the family Chevy."
- Again I am limited in the Psychologist role but you could definitely up my hours as a janitor and as a driver. Just replace Chevy with Hyundai Santa Fe.
But all I do is play all day long right? That's why I don't know what day it is, because I'm too busy playing. I know that this friend of mine who made this innocent comment didn't mean it as I eventually took it, but I also think that she partly believes what she said. I also think she isn't the only person out there who feels like all SAHM's do is play. Like somehow we won the job-lottery because we lucked out, had children and made the easy and obvious choice of staying home with them instead of going to work. From my experience so far in my short foray in this job, this opinion is generally held by those without children, who have no clue whatsoever about the reality of parenting. And I can forgive that. But it still hurts my feelings as much as I try not to let what others think bother me. I don't what my friends to think I've turned into a useless lump of a woman who no longer contributes to society because I am fortunate enough to be at home, raising my child instead of slugging away at a 9-5. I want my friends and those out there who believe all SAHM's do is play to recognize how hard it is to do what we do. All the jobs we manage to complete throughout any given day, multi-tasking and balancing life, scheduling and planning, organizing and caring. I want my friends and society to recognize how it is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job, with no break. Even if you are away from your children on a date, for a weekend, or even a longer vacation, they are constantly on your mind. "Are they safe? Are they warm? Are they happy? Are they being well-fed? Are they pooping? Are they sleeping?". You do not walk away from this job when bed-time hits, you do not shut off your mom button after 5pm, you do not get to take designated 'breaks' from being a mom, and if you're fortunate enough, you're able to squeeze in a teeny bit of time to yourself once someone else can take over your duties because goodness knows nap-time is actually code word for 'quick, accomplish as much as you can without making too much noise'. And even during those few blissful moments of shopping in a store without little hands reaching out grabbing items of the shelves or racks, I'm still contemplating why my son threw up his entire breakfast and bottle earlier in the morning. "Was it teething? Did I over-feed him? Did oranges not agree with his stomach? I wonder if he'll throw up again today? If he does, should I take him to the doctor? Oh, that's a cute outfit maybe I'll pick that up for him!"
Your children and their well-being literally consumes almost all your thoughts...which is why I have no idea what day it is sometimes. But the best parts of my day, even though I may not know if it's Tuesday or a Wednesday, are the moments where I put my mind to rest, set the chores aside for later, and take some time to actually play with my son. I watch his smile stretch across his face as he realizes that Mommy is going to join in while he puts blocks in a bucket, dumps them out, and starts putting them back in again. And that's when I know that I'm worth more than $115,000 a year to my son.
Here is the link should you be interested in a good read: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My New Job...SAHM
Yup, Stay At Home Mom. That's me. I am 29 years old and I'm finding those four letters hold so much more weight than any other "title" I've held before.
I guess I am blogging to share the ever-changing, continuous loop of thoughts on what being a stay at home mother means to me. And to my husband. And to my single friends, through my interpretation of their comments. And to the general public. Because when I'm not consumed with diapers, naps, meals, cleaning, driving, errand-running, playgroups, and general exhaustion my mind is now beginning to try and cope with what being a SAHM represents. But before I open that can of worms I'll give you a little background information. Something to set the scene.
I guess for starters, I am not that woman who knew they wanted children with every fibre of their being. On and off over the years as the number of nieces in my repertoire grew I felt those motherly instincts, sure. On the days where I was so in love with living my own life and the freedom of choices in front of me I felt like I could be child-less forever. And as I fell in love with my best friend over the course of a four year friendship, I came to realize that I eventually wanted to be a mother with him being the father, and us being parents together.
We were blessed to get pregnant on the first try, after we had "discussed" that we were ready to begin trying to conceive. Which, looking back, is hilarious because what couple could ever decide that they are ready for parenthood? We had zero frame of reference for thinking we were ready for a baby, unless you count both of us being aunts and uncles to children we spent, at most, about 3-4 hours with at a time. Yet we embarked on the 41 week journey of pregnancy, growing more and more excited and nervous with each passing week. The "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book was referenced daily in our home, full of stains from carrying it around everywhere including the dinner table and dog ears from information that we had to reflect on constantly. My induction came 8 days after my due date, and 21 hours after that our son came into the world and we were thrust into parenthood just like that. It is the second moment in my entire life so far where everything change in a second (the first happened when I was 12 and my mom called from the hospital to tell me my father died suddenly and unexpectedly while bike riding with her). You wake up one day, pregnant, and the next day you wake up, you're a parent.
The first couple weeks were a blur of days and nights, breastfeeding and changing poo colours...it still amazes me that our son's poo was black, then green, then orange and yellow, then brown, sometimes grey, then brown again. They are fascinating little miracles with their displays of digestion.
And now, just over a full year after that momentous occasion I am at home with our son realizing that our choice for me to stay at home is going to be a fluid one. Being a SAHM is the hardest job I've ever had to do:
I guess I am blogging to share the ever-changing, continuous loop of thoughts on what being a stay at home mother means to me. And to my husband. And to my single friends, through my interpretation of their comments. And to the general public. Because when I'm not consumed with diapers, naps, meals, cleaning, driving, errand-running, playgroups, and general exhaustion my mind is now beginning to try and cope with what being a SAHM represents. But before I open that can of worms I'll give you a little background information. Something to set the scene.
I guess for starters, I am not that woman who knew they wanted children with every fibre of their being. On and off over the years as the number of nieces in my repertoire grew I felt those motherly instincts, sure. On the days where I was so in love with living my own life and the freedom of choices in front of me I felt like I could be child-less forever. And as I fell in love with my best friend over the course of a four year friendship, I came to realize that I eventually wanted to be a mother with him being the father, and us being parents together.
We were blessed to get pregnant on the first try, after we had "discussed" that we were ready to begin trying to conceive. Which, looking back, is hilarious because what couple could ever decide that they are ready for parenthood? We had zero frame of reference for thinking we were ready for a baby, unless you count both of us being aunts and uncles to children we spent, at most, about 3-4 hours with at a time. Yet we embarked on the 41 week journey of pregnancy, growing more and more excited and nervous with each passing week. The "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book was referenced daily in our home, full of stains from carrying it around everywhere including the dinner table and dog ears from information that we had to reflect on constantly. My induction came 8 days after my due date, and 21 hours after that our son came into the world and we were thrust into parenthood just like that. It is the second moment in my entire life so far where everything change in a second (the first happened when I was 12 and my mom called from the hospital to tell me my father died suddenly and unexpectedly while bike riding with her). You wake up one day, pregnant, and the next day you wake up, you're a parent.
The first couple weeks were a blur of days and nights, breastfeeding and changing poo colours...it still amazes me that our son's poo was black, then green, then orange and yellow, then brown, sometimes grey, then brown again. They are fascinating little miracles with their displays of digestion.
And now, just over a full year after that momentous occasion I am at home with our son realizing that our choice for me to stay at home is going to be a fluid one. Being a SAHM is the hardest job I've ever had to do:
- Physically: My workout now consists of carrying a 24lb toddler who is only just learning to walk, lugging the frigging stroller in and out of the car, and often juggling bags in the process because I can't take my time carrying in everything on its own when my son is in his carseat screaming his lungs out to get out of the car so I'm now carrying him, and three groceries bags and I leave my diaper bag in the car because I just don't have the hands for it, forget to get it from the car later on, and then realize the next day my wipes have frozen. Ugh. No wonder my biceps and triceps and forearms literally shake sometimes.
- Emotionally: After feeding my son raw tomatoes for the first time a few days ago with a scrambled egg he starts having a reaction...he beings to cry as my heart (and entire body) pumps furiously watching him develop splotches of red on his face, and seeing his right eye swell while he beings to sneeze, one after another after another. After a desperate call to my husband with no answer, I haul my son to the ER at the nearby hospital frantically calling my family doctor to see if they have an available appointment in case the ER has a ridiculous wait (which, of course, it does), trying my best not to speed all the while listening to make sure he is breathing normally in the back seat. After waiting at the hospital for an hour, praying to be seen soon, I call my family doctor again and am given good news, our doctor can squeeze us in! So we pack up, jet off again to our family doctor where my son is referred to an allergy specialist and after a thorough check up my heart finally slows to a regular pace and my hearing returns as our doctor pronounces our son "okay". We go home and once my little man is safely asleep I cry. I cry out of relief, love, and fear. Relief that he is okay and will be okay, a love so strong that I feel my body has a pulse that beats just for him, and fear of what could have been worse thankfully wasn't, and I also cry from sheer exhaustion from feeling all those emotions.
- Psychologically: After hearing a few insensitive comments about staying home I begin to question whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Should I be returning to work? I feel like I'm losing that part of me a little everyday, that career part, that independence part, that pride of receiving a pay-cheque in my name part. Who am I if I'm not a teacher? And what will I do once my son and our future children (we'd like to try for one more) are off in school full-time? Who is going to want to hire a teacher who hasn't been teaching for years?
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